Off My Wall
November 7, 2005

Plan Now for Williamsport

Ever have this urge to want to make a difference? Ever want to leave some type of legacy behind when your days are done? Do you have trouble finding something unique that you can call your own?

Me, too.

But I think I’ve found the answer.

I’ve settled on a plan to conceive, nurture, and develop a national championship Little League team. I’m taking Concord, New Hampshire to Williamsport, Pennsylvania, or is it South Williamsport, Pennsylvania now? When did it change, anyhow?

I have a plan to win the Little League World Series.

And it all starts with what I call Little League Planned Parenthood.

In case you haven’t noticed - and the national television puhbas are making it much easier for use to see Little League baseball on the regional, national and international level – most of the players in the Williamsport final rounds are 12-year olds. Dig a little deeper and you’ll find most of them are August and September births.

Which means we’re in the midst of an important time if we want to make it to Williamsport.

We are in a 60-day Copulate for Williamsport time period.

That’s right. You gotta do it NOW! And not just once. After all, none of us are so perfect that it only takes one shot to win.

For this to work, you have to conceive during the months of November and December. That way the births next summer will be in August and September.

Perfect for 12-year old Little Leaguers in 2019.

If you have a tendency towards premature births, you should take heed and postpone this citywide copulation drill until January.

But if you’re right on target with deliveries, drop your draws now.

Here’s my plan:

We need to find as many able bodied young adults, preferably married, who have decent size and oodles of athletic ability. If at all possible we need to have both partners former baseball or softball players.

Right-handed men should match us with right-handed women.

Left-handed men find your lovely left-handed lady.

Ambidextrous folk take special note: you’re our switch hitters of the future. Please take great care in finding partners equally adept at using both hands. Hey, the equivalent to spring training could be fun.

As an alternative for switch hitters, we may need to look for multiple orgasm folks out there, and only you know who you are. A friend suggested using right-handed fore play the first time and left-handed fore play the second…..never can tell but that might be the right stroke for switch hitters.

We’re scheduling a field day this weekend just after dark each night at Grappone Park in the North End (American League) and the new field off Iron Works Road in the South End (National League). Memorial Field is off limits, being a publicly owned field and all. Don’t want to make this any more difficult than it already is.

Shy folks should probably head towards the mattresses and blankets off Iron Works Road…..see, Grappone Park might draw a huge crowd up on the banking.

Our plan is to have a mattress at each and every position on the field and the conception tries will be broken into innings with one try per inning. That allows nine different couples to try out each inning so as many people as possible can partake in this Williamsport gambit.

There’s no time limit on innings, but try not to be the last one out there with all the other positions having gone back to the dugout. We hate to have the umpires move the game along just because of you.

My suggestion is if you want a future shortstop, you should copulate in the shortstop area. If you want an outfielder, the going might be a bit better because the grass is softer than the infield dirt. If you’re one of those who just have to a have a pitcher, then you’re copulating at your own risk: there may be a slight balancing act to stay on top of that mound.

In any event, we should have no problem finding willing participants. It’s a whole lot more fun than selling candy bars as a fundraiser.

Let the copulating begin!


Bits and Pieces

In case you missed it, Ray Duckler gave all us local fanatics a line for the ages in his fine story about the recent passing of big Joe Shields.

“His life is one of those hidden joys of this city, a big-screen theme known only to various classmates at Concord High….and area senior citizens connected to team sports back then.”

Doesn’t that aptly describe many of the athletes we knew Growing Up Concord? There’s a whole memory bank of people who fits that description very neatly.

Keep your eyes peeled on the Red Sox GM situation. Post 21 alums may have one of our own pulling the strings on Yawkey Way as Jed Hoyer, who played Legion ball for Warren Doane in the early 90s, has been mentioned often as a possible replacement.

Of course, another Post 21 grad, Brian Sabean, has popped up again and maybe all the moons are aligned this time for it to happen. I’ve always wanted to do this…..an informed source told me that a number of things are in Sabean’s favor this time around. Whew! My chest almost exploded.

There….I did it. Won’t tell you who or what…..just like the big guys.

If you know Sabes at all, are you wondering how in hell he’d get along with Larry the Lizard?

Think of it as Harvard-Yale on a small school scale. Think of it as an in-state football rivalry between two colleges a few exits apart on I-95 in Maine (of course, a couple of exits in Maine could be the equivalent to a time zone change in some spots).

Think of it any way you want, so long as you know there's a big -BIG - football game this weekend in Maine as Bowdoin (6-1) and Colby (6-1) have at it.

Why mention this? Because Bowdoin is led by pass catching whiz Jeffrey Nolin from Somersworth via St. Thomas....and more importantly the son of Jim and Joanne (Nadeau) Nolin who have some serious roots in our neighborhood.

Someone call Vehix.com and tell them to ditch that commercial with the guy sitting in his recliner dumping cars by pulling the chair gear shift.

Sexist Comment Alert! Sexist Comment Alert! Sexist Comment Alert!

Based upon her current body shape, does anyone else wonder if Summer Sanders really was an Olympic swimmer? Doesn’t seem possible, does it?

Word around town is that the Concord Country Club is parting with some serious ching to renovate and redesign part of the back nine to make it less forgiving.

Not that I’d be the proper gauge, but I never found the back nine to be the least bit forgiving in the first place especially those damn trees to the far left of the fairway on the 17th where by 3-wood took up permanent residency high, high up in the timber a few years back.

Of course, the back nine at the local mini-golf course in Hooksett is a challenge for me.

Anyone else wondering if the folks at NHTI got a strip mining permit before they dug up all that ground as you enter campus?

Actually it’s being turned into a multifield soccer complex in concert with a couple of private companies.

Pretty neat story line with the two CHS soccer captains doing rock-paper-scissors to determine who took the penalty shot in an early tournament game.

But I guess I’m either an old fart or too much of a traditionalist. I thought decisions like that was what the coach was there to do.

For some reason, I can’t see Bill Haubrich leaning against the scorer’s table at Lundholm smiling while Ethan Cole and Matt Bonner shoot fingers to see who would take key foul shots in a tournament game. Or Warren Doane perched on the top step of the dugout at Gill Stadium while Rick Flanders refereed the rock-paper-scissors shootout between Joe Lefebvre and Mike Curry to see who pitches the last inning for the championship.

Just can’t seem to grasp that scenario.

And speaking of Lefebvre. Here’s a local version of why Theo My Hero may have left.

A few winters back, when Matt Bonner was still in high school, Lefebvre visited the Concord High cage to catch some action. At halftime, Joey went to the scorer’s table and said hello to Warren Doane, his former high school coach, and Chuck Landry, the official scorer.

After his visit, Joe started around the court looking for a seat and spotted me, sitting alone in my usual spot. Being the only chump he recognized, Joe came up and settled in for the second half.

Or so he thought.

Bonner could have broken his leg, Red Murray could have come out of retirement, and Haubrich could have thrown his jacket across the floor and laid down in front of the bench (wait, maybe he did that that game!) and we wouldn’t have noticed. I couldn’t help myself. I had my own version of the Hot Stove League and we did nothing but talk baseball the entire second half.

It even got so bad, I asked Joe if he could take off his World Series ring (Phillies) and let me hold it. How bad is that?

Now just imagine Theo in Boston, his home town, and a million folks like me being there wanting to just say hi and start up a conversation. Could be the answer to why?

Ever seen a softball field with centerfield closer than left or right? Check out the women’s softball field at NHTI.

Ask your favorite baseball geek if he/she knows if there has ever been a World Series with two players with the same last name who played on opposite teams who were traded for each other? Naturally the Red Sox are involved. In 1999 the Red Sox traded Adam Everett, a promising young shortstop (who they didn’t need because of Nomar) to Houston for Carl Everett.

And is anyone else grimacing over the thought of Carl Everett wearing a World Series championship ring?

I don’t know about you, but now that Theo My Hero is gone, I’d trade Larry Luccino for Larry Andersen (again) straight up wherever he is.

Watching Houston’s pitching staff sure makes me wonder if all those 900+ runs the Sox scored behind its B-level pitching staff was worth it or not.

And watching the Cardinals, Astros and White Sox makes me ponder why so many major league teams went the route of the big stud shortstops a few years back.

Hard to pick against Eckstein, Everett, and Uribe for the money.

Anyone know if there is a Fantasy Baseball League for the Winter League?

Just wondering…..or is it wandering?

Jeff

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